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To Women Everywhere From a Man Who's Had Enough!
Secret tips for making a marriage last

To Women Everywhere From a Man Who's Had Enough
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.  We refuse to answer.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday equals SPORTS. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping isn't a sport, & no, we're never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.  Really!
You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. 
Crying is blackmail.  Ask for what you want.  Let's be clear on this one: subtle hints don't work.  Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
We don't know what day it is.  We never will.  Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes & No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.  No,it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
All men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing, " we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
What the hell is a doily?             


    Secret tips for making a marriage last... 
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays.  I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"   "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"  So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?".
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"  So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake".
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"   The driver said, "No, jump in!"


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