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Odd & Interesting Quotes & Sayings
Strange Advertisements
Country Western Song Titles
Peculiar Definitions


Click here to buy t-shirts with slogans like: I'm not aging, I'm increasing in value!

                            

Odd & Interesting Quotes & Sayings!      
bullet My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. -- Roseanne
bullet Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened. -- Unknown
bullet Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. -- Franklin P. Jones
bullet A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland
bullet In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life...It goes on. -- Robert Frost

bullet I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. -- Jackie Mason
bullet I get paid weekly. Very Weekly! -- Anonymous
bullet I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. -- Gypsy Rose Lee
bullet Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character. -- Oscar Levant
bullet Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. -- Jennifer Unlimited
bullet Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. -- Mark Twain
bullet Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. -- W. C. Fields
bullet I have everything I had twenty years ago - except that it is now all lower. -- Gypsy Rose Lee
bullet The longer I live, the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time. -- George Bernard Shaw
bullet Youth had been a habit of hers for so long that she could not part with it. -- Rudyard Kipling
bullet Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. --F. P. Jones
bullet Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. --Billy Rose
bullet I can resist everything except temptation. -- Oscar Wilde
bullet A rich man's joke is always funny. -- Proverb
bullet I am not young enough to know everything. -- James M. Barrie
bullet I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. -- Mark Twain
bullet My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
bullet Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. -- Erica Jong
bullet The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones
bullet Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art. -- Unknown
bullet "Time is a fixed income and, as with any income, the real problem facing most of us is how to live successfully within our daily allotment." -- Margaret B. Johnstone
bullet I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. Jennifer Unlimited
bullet Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. -- Mae West
bullet He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. -- Lao Tsu
bullet You will recognize, my boy, the first sign of old age: it is when you go out into the streets of London and realize for the first time how young the policemen look. -- Sir Seymour Hicks
bullet If you want to be happy, be. -- Henry David Thorreau
bullet Time draweth wrinkles in a fair face, but addeth fresh colors to a fast friend. -- John Lyle
bullet The lovely thing about being forty is that you can appreciate twenty-five-year-old men. -- Colleen McCullough
bullet I don't date women my age. There aren't any. -- Milton Berle
bullet The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." -- CalvinTrillin   
bullet If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body...then only left-handed people are in their right minds. -- Anonymous
bullet Whoever undertakes to set himself up as judge in the field of truth and knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the Gods. -- Albert Einstein
bullet We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. -- Albert Einstein
bullet I may be left-handed, but I'm always Right! -- Anonymous
bullet Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? -- Phyllis Diller
bullet A half truth, masquerading as a whole truth, is a totally false truth. -- Anonymous
bullet Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most . . . -- Anonymous
bullet Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young. -- Fred Astaire
bullet Whatever with the past has gone, the best is always yet to come. -- Lucy Larcom
bullet There are so many things about which some old man ought to tell one while one is little; for when one is grown one would know them as a matter of course. -- Rainer Maria Rilke
bullet It is better to wear out than to rust out. -- Bishop Richard Cumberland
bullet It takes a long time to grow young. -- Pablo Picasso
bullet Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. -- Anonymous
bullet The secret to eternal youth is arrested development. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
bullet There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval. -- George Santayana
bullet When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished a how much he had learned in seven years. -- Mark Twain
bullet No one over thirty-five is worth meeting who has not something to teach us, something more than we could learn by ourselves, from a book. -- Cyril Connolly
bullet Time draweth wrinkles in a fair face, but addeth fresh colors to a fast friend. -- John Lyle
bullet Friendship is the shadow of the evening, which strengthens with the setting sun of life. -- Jean De La Fontaine
bullet A friendship counting nearly forty years is the finest kind of shade-tree I know. -- James Russell Lowell
bullet We are so fond of one another, because our ailments are the same. -- Jonathan Swift
bullet To see a young couple loving each other is no wonder, but to see an old couple loving each other is the best sight of all. -- William Makepeace Thackeray
bullet At twenty-one, so many things appear solid, permanent, untenable. -- Orson Welles
bullet Old age is not for sissies. -- Malcolm Forbes
bullet Health food may be good for the conscience, but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better. -- Robert Redford
bullet Don't take life so seriously; it's not permanent. -- Unknown
bullet They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much. -- Malcolm Cowley
bullet When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. -- Mark Twain
bullet You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself. -- Sam Levenson
bullet I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require so much cooking. -- Carrie Snow
bullet The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does. -- Unknown
bullet If at first you don't succeed, try again. then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- w.c. Fields
bullet One man's sunset is another man's dawn. -- Fievel Mouskawitz
bullet All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. -- Unknown
bullet The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a woman like a book, your library card has expired. -- Unknown
bullet The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through congress. -- Unknown
bullet As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns; the less and less we feel our oats and the more we feel our corns. -- Unknown
bullet Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. -- Unknown
bullet Lord, if you won't make me skinny, please make all my friends fat!
bullet The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. -- Mark Russell
bullet It's had to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. -- Anonymous
bullet In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back. -- Charlie Brown
bullet Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -- Lily Tomlin
bullet There's too much blood in my caffeine system. -- Unknown
bullet Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. -- Unknown
bullet God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. -- Unknown
bullet My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. -- Errol Flynn
bullet It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt, and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. -- Rodney Dangerfield
bullet The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. -- Unknown
bullet It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. -- Abraham Lincoln
bullet The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down. -- T. S. Eliot
bullet Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities. -- Frank Lloyd Wright
bullet Don't confuse me with the facts. I've got a closed mind. - Earl Landgrebe
bullet When you come to a fork in the road, take it. -- Yogi Berra
bullet A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. -- Unknown
bullet Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? -- Unknown
bullet When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents. -- Blair Sabol
bullet If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. -- Unknown
bullet Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles Schultz
bullet I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. -- Ed Bluestone
bullet There is more to life than increasing its speed. -- Mahatma Gandhi
bullet The wind of one door closing opens another. -- Unknown
bullet Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it? -- Unknown
bullet If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people. -- Jim Eason
bullet I thought I had mono once for an entire year. Turned out I was just really bored. -- Wayne's World
bullet Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -- Caryn Leschen
bullet Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. - Rose Franken
bullet The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. -- Jackie Gleason
bullet I'm on a seefood diet. I see food and I eat it. -- Unknown
bullet If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. -- Mae West
bullet As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. -- Unknown
bullet Always look out for #1 and be careful not to step in #2. -- Unknown
bullet Integrity is one of several paths; it distinguishes itself from the others because it is the right path and the only one upon which you will never get lost. -- Unknown
bullet The truth is the same from any angle. -- Unknown
bullet The stories that you tell about your past shape your future. -- Eric Ransdell
bullet What is the use of lying when the truth, well distributed, serves the same purpose. -- Unknown
bullet Enough white lies lead up to manipulation. -- Unknown
bullet Deceit feeding on ignorance weaves carelessly around the truth, twisting its prey down a path to destined regret. -- Unknown
bullet Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. -- Winston Churchill
bullet But the beauty is in the walking -- we are betrayed by destinations. -- Gwynn Thomas (Welsh Writer)
bullet Time is everyone's enemy. -- Unknown
bullet If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? -- Will Rogers
bullet You've got to sing like you don't need the money
bullet love like you've never been hurt
bullet dance, dance dance, like nobody's watching
bullet it's got to come from the heart, if you want it to work. -- Susannah Clark
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Bill's Septic Cleaning.  We haul American made products!
1 man/7 women hot tub - $850/offer
Amana washer $100.  Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Snow blower for sale.  Only used on snowy days.
Free puppies.  Part German Shepherd/part stupid dog.
83 Toyota Hunchback  $2000
Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto, Exc.Cond $6,800
Full sized mattress.  20 yr warranty.  Like new, slight urine smell.
Free - 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 BR 2 Bath Home
For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
Nordic Track $300.  Hardly used.  Call Chubbie
Free Yorkshire Terrier.  8 yrs. old.  Unpleasant little dog.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300
Hummels.  Largest selection ever.  If it's in stock, we have it!
Harrisburg postal employees gun club
Georgia peaches California grown - 89 cents lb.
Nice parachute.  Never opened.  Used once - slightly stained
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs - $175
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's mad of 100% Italian leather
Found: Dirty white dog.   Looks like a rat.  Been out awhile.  Better be reward.
Lawyer says client is not that guilty
Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember.
Ground Beast: 99 cents lb.
Open House.  Body Shapers Toning Salon - Free Coffee and Donuts
Fully cooked boneless smoked man -$2.09 lb.

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Country Western Song Titles
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven and Your Buns In Bed
Get Your Tongue Out'a My Mouth Cause I'm Kissin' You Goodbye
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
Got In At 2 With a 10, and Woke Up At 10 With A 2
Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine
Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't
Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
Keep Forgettin', I Forgot About You
Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
Still Miss You Baby, But My Aims Gettin' Better
Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You.
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him
Please Bypass This Heart
She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly     

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Definitions

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
 
DISCONFECT (dis kon fect) v.
To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater

FRUST (frust) n
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
 
PUPKUS (pup'kus) n
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

VEGETARIAN 
an Indian word meaning lousy hunter

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